The morning started off great, but then come the afternoon with an overtired new baby and a whinging toddler it all got too much for me.
Once I finally had the baby down, the toddler needed a nappy change and whilst struggling to control him on the changing table and after numerous threats, he kicked me square in the face, full force. In a flash of rage I lashed out and skelped him on his bare leg, it was a complete chain reaction and within a split second, the damage was done. He had red finger marks on his porcelain skin, his tears came flowing and my nerves unraveled. I put on his fresh nappy, dressed him, went into the bathroom, closed the door and proceeded to rinse off his dirty cloth nappy. All the while he cried outside and woke up his sister.
When I came out of the bathroom we gave each other a hug and I wiped his tears, I picked up his dinosaurs and handed them to him and while he made his way downstairs I wearily made my way into my bedroom to soothe Juno back to sleep.
The afternoon consisted of the toddler playing outside, a visit from a lovely lady to collect some baby clothes and Juno waking up screaming every 20 minutes. Ross came home at 5 and honestly the rest of the evening is such a blur.
I was physically, mentally and emotionally drained.
I gave up trying to soothe Juno at 7.30/8. Ross was downstairs washing up after leaving Finn happily playing away with his dinosaurs in bed.
I went outside to take in some laundry whilst Ross went to try and put Juno to sleep.
I cried, I couldn’t help it, the tears just kept coming. I felt like I’d failed at parenting that day.
But… There’s only so many hours you can tolerate being cried at before it breaks you…
Ross managed to get her off to sleep, he held me tight and told me to cry as much as I needed. He told me I was doing a fantastic job and that our toddler practically put himself to bed. So I cried…
Yesterday was a tough day, but tomorrow will be better…
The 24th of February 2014. A date that will always be ingrained in my mind and etched on my heart.
This day last year myself and Ross found out the devastating news that our little baby Blue had no heartbeat.
I wrote about it and the difference that our tiny baby made in my last post. You can read it here: https://newaims.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/the-letter-miscarriage-awareness-month-october/
This blog post is about 2 things: A happy announcement and my final film related post for a while.
I made a film about my experience with losing a baby. Originally, it was a film for me, It was a way for me to gain closure. But a good friend of mine, recommended that I show this little film to the world. Even if it helps one woman come to terms with losing her child then it’ll be worth it.
I contacted the Miscarriage Association of Ireland and I got some great feedback from them and a couple of other close friends.
I started thinking that maybe this little film would be able to make a difference.
I entered it into an online competition called Women in Film and although I came 4th the film got some great and valuable feedback and it was seen by a lot of women.
These women described it as:
“An Amazing Piece”
“Genuinely heart-wrenching. Simply overwhelming”
So I’ve decided to post it today. It’s a very personal piece and one that I hope people will respect. It’s not easy putting such a raw and emotional piece of yourself out into the world.
If you know of anyone who could benefit from watching this film, please feel free to pass it along.
Blueberry (Blue) https://vimeo.com/99151559
On a lighter note.
I am officially taking a break as Managing Director of New Aims Productions.
Over the next few months I’ll be focusing on my latest Production:
This will most likely be my last film related post for quite a while.
I’m looking forward to branching out into the trials and tribulations of juggling self employment and raising a little miniature film geek.